A SATIRICAL TAKE ON GPS
My personal experience has me thinking...no. In fact, in-car navigation systems are complicating relationships with husbands and wives across the country. One would think in-car GPS would have solved the age-old argument of how to get from point A to point B.
Remember the days when your GPS was either a Pitney Bowes Road-map or…if you were really in a pinch…the time tested Global Positioning Spouse.
I wonder who thought it was a good idea to create factory installed GPS with sultry lady voices. Those female voices seem to be a problem for some women. It’s clear, some women don’t like strange computerized lady voices telling their men what to do.
So, this is how we end up navigating when we hit the road with our spouses:
Punch up the destination using the in-car system:
Driving directions for the husband unit populate the screen.
The Global Positioning Spouse Plots the best route in her head.
No feedback provided to the husband unit.
The in-car systems’ s sultry lady voice announces:
“Starting route guidance to your destination.”
The Global Positioning Spouse winces and murmurs something under her breath at the in-car system that sounds like… bitch.
The in-car system guidance begins, navigating the husband unit through the neighborhood and to the freeway.
Unbeknown to the husband unit, there has been a processing error between the Global Positioning Spouse and the in-car system.
After 10 minutes of driving, the Global Positioning Spouse has determined that the in-car system has malfunctioned and provides feedback for the first time to the husband unit:
Why are you going this way?
Husband unit response:
Because that’s what the nice lady in the computer told me to do.
The Global Positioning Spouse provides feedback:
Well she’s just stupid…
The Global Positioning Spouse begins recalculating your route in her head and provides instant no notice feedback:
Turn here…we’ll get to the freeway faster.
The husband unit becomes confused:
Should I listen to the Global Position Spouse or the nice lady in the computer?
Trying to decide what to do…The husband unit misses the turn and decides to listen to the nice lady in the computer continuing to drive along the in-car system’s calculated route.
The Global Positioning Spouse winces again and murmurs something under her breath at the in-car system that sounds like… bitch
The Global Positioning Spouse Provides more feedback.
Fine…follow the stupid computer if you want, but now we’re gonna be late.
Options included with the Global Positioning Spouse I don’t get with the in-car system:
Option 1 – The “Point at your turn as you pass it” features:
The throw the husband unit into an instant state of pissitivity
Guaranteed accident inducing stressors
The Global Positioning Spouse can at any time, exercise the… “it’s not my fault you missed your turn…dumb ass.” escape clause.
Option 2 – The “How do you keep the husband unit in suspense” option features:
I’ll tell you what the address is when we get closer
I’ll provide just enough feedback to piss you off
And of course, exercise Option 1-3
Perhaps if my in-car system sounded like Bruno Mars, my wife would happily sit in her seat…like a passenger… and let Bruno tell her husband unit what to do. Hmmm…something I should ponder.🤔